Corrie, MST3K-style: Fathers and sons, part the first

The following sketch summarises the interaction between Ken Barlow and his son Peter during November 2008.

Peter and Simon

Peter: Hi, Dad. My ex-wife Lucy has recently died leaving our five year old son Simon to my care, even though she hadn’t let me have any contact with him since he was a baby so I’m a complete stranger to him, the poor mite. Being a proper father to Simon is what I’ve always wanted, more than anything, but now that I’ve got him I’m absolutely terrified and don’t know what to do. Please will you help me?

Ken: Sure, the two of you can stay with me and Deirdre for a few days while you get used to being a dad.

Peter: A few days? I was hoping for something a bit more fundamental than that. Dad, I’m scared. I’ve made a mess of everything I’ve ever tried to do in my life, you know that better than anyone, you’re always rubbing it in. But Simon is too important to risk screwing up. How can I raise him on my own if all I ever do is fail? Can’t you and Deirdre help? You’re his grandparents, after all, and when my mum died and you were left alone with me and Susan, you sent us all the way to Scotland to live with our grandparents. You reckoned you couldn’t cope with us on your own and we needed two parents who knew what they were doing, and you’ve always said it was the best decision you could have made for us, whether we agreed or not. So wouldn’t your input, as grandparents, also be the best thing for Simon, under the circumstances?

Ken

Ken: Oh, no. Even though I sent you hundreds of miles away when your mother died so that you could be raised by your grandparents while I lived the life of a bachelor and had loads of girlfriends before settling down again, and even though I have never regretted that decision and still maintain that it was the best choice I could have made both for you and me, I’m not going to let you do anything remotely similar. You’re going to have to take responsibility for your child and raise him yourself as a single parent, the way everyone does who isn’t me. Deirdre and I will babysit now and then while you’re in town, but not too often as that would only encourage you to be lazy, and besides, we have lives of our own, you know. Anyway, you can’t stay with us indefinitely. You live in Portsmouth, so once you and Simon go back home, you’re on your own. Best of luck with that – and before you ask, no, you can’t leave him here with us while you head home alone, no way. By the way, I think you're drinking too much; you want to watch that now you have a child to care for.

Peter: So it was okay for you to abandon your children with their grandparents and say it was in their best interests, but it isn’t okay for me to ask you, as Simon’s grandfather, to help look after him, even though I’m way less capable than you?

Ken: That’s right. When I did it, it was totally the right thing to do, but if you do it, it would be irresponsible and neglectful. Because I’m always right and you’re always wrong, I thought you knew that. He’s your son, so you have to take responsibility for him whether you can handle it or not; where you go, he goes, end of. Also, you are still drinking too much; you really do have to stop that now you have a child to care for, you can't look after him properly when you're drunk and I'm not doing it for you.

Peter: But drinking is the only thing that makes me feel better. I know that it really only makes things worse, but at least when I'm drunk I don't care. I just don’t see how I can raise this child on my own, not without screwing him up completely – my life’s a mess. I don’t want to mess him up, too, he’s too precious. If you can’t help, then I think maybe I should give him up for adoption. After all, I’m just as much a stranger to him as his new parents would be, and I want him to have a better life than I can give him. He deserves so much better than me. Since you think I’m such a rubbish parent anyway, and since you’re too busy to help with childcare, surely you agree that this would be his best option?

Ken: Absolutely not, no way. Even though I wasn’t prepared to raise you as a single parent myself and will defend that decision to my dying day although I agree that I am way more capable than you, and even though I’m not prepared to offer you more than occasional babysitting and constant criticism by way of support, and even though I totally agree that everything you do turns out wrong, I am not letting you give that child up to a stranger. I will take him in myself rather than let that happen, just so I can lay a guilt-trip on you every single day until you give in and take him back. When I sent you away, it was because I believed it was best for you, but if you send Simon away, that would be shirking your responsibilities, and I won’t let you do that. He’ll end up resenting you the way you resent me…and by the way I still think you are wrong to feel that way (at least, that is what I am always, always going to say, because I can’t bring myself to admit that I might have been wrong), but it would be justified for Simon (and telling you that is the closest I am ever, ever going to get to admitting that maybe you do have a right to resent me, after all). Simon is your responsibility, so you have to look after him and provide for him by yourself. Even though you are a drunk and a failure who isn’t capable of achieving anything…and I say that as your father who loves you.

Peter: Okay. Well, it turns out that Lucy has left me quite a large sum of money, on the understanding that I use it to provide for Simon. And I think that’ll be a big help and solve a few practical problems I was facing. So I’ve decided to cut my losses in Portsmouth and move back here to Weatherfield, where my family is, so I can take you up on that offer of occasional babysitting, since that’s better than nothing. I’ve used the money to buy the bookies. It’s a good business and I’ve run it before, so I know it inside out, plus it comes complete with a two bedroom flat, so it will provide me and Si with a home as well as a steady income. I’m going to try to do my best for my son, even though I’m still scared stiff of getting it wrong, and I would really appreciate your support while we get used to each other and settle down to a routine.

Ken: You’ve bought the bookies? What were you thinking? You only want Simon now there’s money attached and you’ve gone and wasted the lot already! Right, that’s it. I withdraw my offer of occasional babysitting. You don’t deserve it.

Ken and Peter

Peter: So when I didn’t want him, I was a ratbag, and now that I do want him, that’s just as bad? I haven’t wasted the money – I’ve invested it for his future, what’s wrong with that?

Ken: How can you raise a child and run a business at the same time? You’ll go bust and then the two of you will be on the streets and then what will you do?

Peter: You really do see me as a complete loser, don’t you? You think the business is going to fail just because I’m running it?

Ken: Yes. Sadly I think that’s true, but don’t worry, I still love you and I will always be here to remind you of your inevitable failure, no matter what you do.

Peter: Thanks for nothing, Dad.

Speaks volumes about the thorny relationship between father and son, no?