Corrie, MST3K-style: Fathers and sons, part the second

The following sketch summarises the interaction between Ken Barlow and his family during September 2010.

Ken Barlow

Ken: Hey, look what I’ve found behind this dresser that hasn’t been moved in 50 years – it’s a letter from Susan Cunningham, a girl I went out with for a few months way back in 1960. We met at university, and she was ever so intelligent and educated and middle class, she was everything I ever aspired to be. It was way embarrassing to have to introduce her to my working class family. If only this letter hadn’t got lost all those years ago, I might have married her and my life would have been completely different. I’m going to try to make contact and make up for all those lost years.

Deirdre: Don’t let me stop you. I’m only your wife, even if I don’t so much as pretend to be highly educated or middle class.

Ken: I’m so sad. It turns out that Susan died some years ago. But she has a son named Lawrence and he’s agreed to meet me. Try not to show me up while he’s here, he’s an academic and ever so middle class, I don’t want to be embarrassed by my working class roots and ill-educated family all over again.

Deirdre: Pah.

Lawrence: I resemble Ken so strongly I could almost be his clone. I never met my father or even knew his name. I was born in August 1961.

Ken: I split up with Susan in January 1961 and no one else was involved. I believe you are my long-lost son!

Lawrence: Wow, I wish we’d known about this sooner, our whole lives might have been different.

Ken: Splitting up with your mother is the biggest regret of my life – I regret it even more than I regret missing out on seeing any of my children grow up, or being estranged from my daughter when she died. I’m so proud to be able to call you my son, since you are a successful academic who shares my intellectual interests, which is the only thing I need to know about you to believe that you represent everything I ever wanted in a son.

James, Ken and Lawrence

Lawrence: I am very proud of my daughter Chloe, as she is a post-graduate student and her fiancé is a high-flying lawyer. I’m not so proud of my son James, though, so I won’t say much about him.

Ken: I’d rather not talk about my son Peter at all, as I don’t want to have to admit to my shiny new intellectual son that my other son dropped out of school at 15 to join the Navy and now runs a betting shop and is an alcoholic and is street smart instead of book smart, which doesn’t count. It would be just as embarrassing to let Susan’s son meet my son as it was to let Susan meet my working class family all those years ago, so let’s just pretend that Peter doesn’t exist. Instead I want to bask in the reflected glory of Lawrence’s intellectualism and social status – and further stake my paternal claim by intervening to help ease the tension I have noticed between him and his son James. The pub would be the perfect venue for a mediation session.

James: I am a struggling musician who works in a charity shop, which my father doesn’t like to tell anyone as it doesn’t sound very impressive compared with his and my sister’s academic success. Mostly, though, the reason he doesn’t like me is because I am gay and he is a homophobe.

Ken: Oh dear, is there no way the two of you can manage to reconcile your differences? Let me help, I want to be part of your lives now that I know you, because you both represent everything I ever wanted to be but didn’t have the guts to pursue.

Lawrence: What’s the point? He is always going to be gay and I am always going to hate him for it.

James: What’s the point? I am always going to be gay and he is always going to hate me for it.

Peter, Lawrence, James and Ken

Peter: Don’t let me interrupt this moving family reunion. I know how much you enjoy them, Dad.

Ken: Oh, now this is embarrassing. Peter, this is my successful academic son, Lawrence. Lawrence, this is my other son, Peter.

Peter: Deirdre already told me everything, since you hadn’t bothered. Don’t mind me, I can see that I’m second best and not really wanted, so I’m just gonna stand here and watch.

Ken: Lawrence, James, I’m sure you can put your differences behind you if you could only manage to talk to each other openly – communication is so important in a family.

Peter: That’s a bit rich, coming from a serial philanderer!

James: Heh, my dad’s a serial philanderer, too!

Ken: Do you mind? I’m trying to be pompous and fatherly, here.

Peter: Playing the perfect father? Has he told you how he abandoned me and my twin sister when our mother died when we were only six years old? He sent us hundreds of miles away and hardly ever bothered to visit – that’s how interested he is in being a father. You aren’t his only long-lost son, you know, he also has a 15-year-old called Daniel but he never bothers to see him, either. He likes to have children and wants to be proud of them, but doesn’t like to put in the hard work and actually raise any of them.

Ken: How dare you embarrass me by highlighting my flaws when I am trying to demonstrate what a good father I can be in the right circumstances! Quick, let me get Lawrence and James back home and away from Peter’s subversive influence before he completely ruins the good impression I am trying to make.

Peter: Whatever. I’m more interested in finding out what’s wrong with my son Simon anyway; he’s not been himself lately.

Ken: Let me apologise for Peter’s attitude, which was very embarrassing.

James: Not at all, I thoroughly enjoyed the show. I have a sense of humour and so does Peter, we’d probably get along well, given half a chance.

Lawrence: I have no sense of humour whatsoever and don’t even know what I’m doing here any more. Convention is very important to me and since my son is determined to be unconventional I want nothing to do with him.

Ken: Surely you and James can find a way to meet in the middle?

Lawrence: Perhaps you should sort out your own problems before you start interfering in mine.

Leanne: Peter and I are really worried about Simon, he really isn’t himself lately, but he won’t tell us what’s wrong.

Ken: Why don’t you bring him around for his tea and let me try talking to him? However, I won’t be here when you arrive, as I am so preoccupied with Lawrence and James that I barely even remember Peter and Simon exist. Trying to get Lawrence reconciled with James, so that I can prove my worth as a father and stake my claim on their lives which appear to otherwise be perfect and everything I ever dreamed of, is far more important to me than the imperfect family I already have. So whatever Simon’s problem is, you are on your own with it.

Lawrence: I’m getting really tired of your constant interference, Ken. James and I are quite happy to go on hating each other for the rest of our lives, why can’t you accept that?

Ken: I just want us to be one big happy family and your hatred of James’s sexuality is spoiling it. What’s wrong with him being gay? Can’t you just accept him for who he is and love him anyway?

Lawrence: No. I am a homophobe and I am not ashamed of it. My son’s sexuality is unacceptable to me, end of.

Ken: Kids don’t always turn out the way you want them to, but hey, that’s life. My son Peter is an alcoholic and a high school drop-out, and in fact is pretty much the polar opposite of what I wanted for him, but I love him anyway, even if I don’t ever actually tell him that. I didn’t want to admit to you before how flawed he is, but now I’m almost glad as it makes a handy example I can use to encourage you to love your son unconditionally, like I do mine even though he doesn’t know it because I never tell him and instead constantly criticise. I hope he knows I only do it because I care.

Lawrence: Alcoholic? That’s nothing. If he was gay you’d reject him like I’ve rejected James.

Ken: I so would not! In fact, I would probably prefer gay to alcoholic.

Lawrence: More fool you. I’m sure you have a trigger, a line you won’t cross, just like me. Maybe it isn’t sexuality, but I bet you’d reject Peter if he were a drug dealer or a murderer or something.

Ken: Actually, my adopted daughter Tracy is in prison for murder, but I haven’t rejected her even for that, although she does frustrate me immensely. I won't mention that to you, though, since you’re on a roll and we’re talking about sons, not daughters. No, I wouldn’t reject Peter no matter what he did and no matter what he was (although I now realise it’s a bit of a shame he doesn’t know that, especially since I’ve been ignoring him all week because I didn't think he measured up to Lawrence, who now no longer looks so perfect). Lawrence, you have found my trigger – it is you and your homophobia. I reject you utterly, the way you have rejected your own son, get out of my house.

Lawrence: So you’re rejecting me because you don’t like my views just like I’ve rejected James because I don’t like his views. We aren’t so different after all.

Peter and Simon

Peter: Simon, I’m really worried about you. I need you to tell me what’s wrong.

Simon: I’m scared because I think I’m in big trouble. I was playing with my friend Aadi the other day when he fell and banged his head. I thought he was all right, but then he ended up in hospital and now the police and social services think his mum and dad did it, when really it was my fault. Will I have to go to jail?

Peter: My poor little boy. They don’t put seven-year-olds in jail, but you do have a lot of apologising to do. I’m very proud of you for being brave enough to own up and I need you to be brave again when we tell the police and social services and Aadi’s mum and dad what happened.

Dev: I’m furious with Peter because his son hurt my son and got me into trouble.

Peter: I apologise on Simon’s behalf and take full responsibility for him, but support him 100%, he’s only seven and it was an accident.

Ashley: I’m furious with Peter because my wife Claire was also suspected of hurting Aadi when really it was Simon. He should have owned up sooner.

Peter: I apologise on Simon’s behalf and take full responsibility for him, but support him 100%, he’s only seven and it was an accident.

Ken: I don’t understand how Lawrence turned out to be such a small-minded bigot. He seemed so perfect when we first met! Maybe if I’d married his mother and been part of his life when he was growing up, I could have influenced him to be a better person.

Deirdre: Hey, but if that had happened you would never have had Peter and Susan (and by the way, isn’t it a bit weird that you gave your daughter the same name as your ex-girlfriend?) and you’d never have married me and adopted my daughter. Maybe you should focus more on appreciating what you’ve got instead of fretting about what might have been.

James: And hey, you might not have managed to build a relationship with my stupid dad, but at least you’ve gained a new grandson. I would love to be part of your family, being estranged from my own.

Ken: I think I should spend some time with Peter, because I suddenly feel bad about ignoring him all week and feeling embarrassed of him for no good reason, as I now realise what a hypocrite I’ve been. So what if he isn’t perfect, it turns out that neither is Lawrence. Peter is the only one of my children that I have an actual relationship with, and I am suddenly aware that I take that for granted and don’t appreciate him enough; I’m always too focused on what he isn’t to feel proud of who he is.

Peter and Ken

Peter: Dad, I’ve had a hell of a day.

Ken: Well, I’m here to demonstrate my love and acceptance of you, imperfect though you are, through my actions, by spending some time with you, since I can never quite bring myself to say it out loud. Why don’t I put the kettle on while you tell me all about it?